How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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