I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
