What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
