if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize