Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
