So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
