I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
