How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
