I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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