maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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