Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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