I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
