I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
