I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
