i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
