i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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