Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
