Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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