So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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