haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Boobs speak an international language.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
