What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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