A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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