you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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