Pants 0. Shit 1.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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