brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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