and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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