i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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