So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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