im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
