she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
As shirtless as possible
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
