come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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