my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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