It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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