Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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