he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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