I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
