I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
