True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
