When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
