Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
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my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
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Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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