just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
