Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
