Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
