I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
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did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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