I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
