somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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