the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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