she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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