Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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