he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
