You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
