I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
