threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
